Around 5 weeks ago I had awefull stomage ache and went for checking at Hospital. The checking anwser was that I had an Ilius (read on wikipedia if you don't know what an Ilius are), which needed emercy oparetion. The operation went fine. I had more problem with start eating again, coz my intestine was completly sleeping. I had 1 week stomage tube for empting my stomage insted of throwing up. For the all prozess I stayed 2 1/2 week at Hospital. After I was realesed from Hospital, soon I felt ill again. The more I ate and drank, the more I felt ill. When I throwed up I felt after that better. I stayed 3 days at home, before I went emercy to Hospital again. I had really low water in my body and at hospital they filled with IV water in my body. They tried to feeding prozess again, but I felt soon sick again. Some day the doctor checked my stomage again and one point I had bit pain. So I went checking again and found out that I had one part of my intestine passage is narrow. So I tranfered to a bigger Hospital for inside checking etc. Now I'm getting artificial feeding and at the same time I have stomage tube for empting my stomage, otherwise I have filled acid in stomage, which also make me sick. Beside I have to wait for the next operation, coz my last one was still fresh and they can't operate me to soon. Otherwise I will have long life intestine problem.
Where is the key? Where is it? Where did I put it? Which way should I go? I'm completely lost. I don't know the way anymore. I don't know what to do anymore. Who am I? What am I? What? What?! What am I?! Who am I?! What do I want really? Why do I feel like I have a memory gape? Is it normal to have only fragment of memories? I don't remember when I got lost myself? I don't remember the trigger of losing myself or when it started. It hurs so much. My chest feels pain. Is it the consequent for bottle up all my problems and emotions? Anger, frustration, all those I want scream out. I want to lash out! I want to cry alout! I want to trash my room in to mess! I want to release all my emotion out! But I don't know how to express my emotion except crying silently. No, that not it. I'm afraid that if I unleash my bottle up my emotion, that I will lose my sanity. I'm afraid that I'm not me anymore. I'm afraid of my true self. ...
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